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Gdje si bila, pitaju me. Bila sam nad ponorom.

Ponor prelijeću ptice, kao da se natječu, kao da je teže nadlijetati ponor nego letjeti otvorenim nebom, kao da ponor i za njih ima privlačnu moć kojoj treba odoljeti, preletjeti unatoč, obrušiti se pa prestati.

Uz poljski put tamo iza kaštela rastu mlade koprive, najzelenije. Za boju raslinja u ponoru nema prave riječi, uzalud pokušavam sa sivim i smeđim nijansama. To je boja blata koje je ostalo kad se voda povukla pa se sasušilo u osunčanim jutrima i boja bujanja koje se sprema na skok. I bijela podloga od kamena.

Ako moraš reći jednu riječ za sve to, hoće li to biti „kontrast“? Let i provalija, bijele stijene naspram mraku koji se skriva u dnu grotla, težina sasušene zemlje po stablima i proljetni sokovi koji sve brže kolaju pod korom, blistavi pravokutnik otvorenih balkonskih vrata i tama u maloj kući? Iz skrovitog sutona potkrovlja blijedo zlatna proljetna svjetlost čini se još jasnijom.

Hiža od besid, kuća za pisce. Nespretno noseći tu laskavu titulu, svakog jutra iz mraka izlazim na balkon bijele stražarnice. Čuvarica ponora, utvrđujem da je sve na svom mjestu: kaštel zdesna, most u daljini, vijenac borova na hrptu iza mosta. Motel u daljini s lijeve strane, terasa se nadnosi nad krajolik, kad bi netko stajao tamo kao što ja stojim tu, mogli bismo jedno drugome slati znakove. No što bih poručila tom nekom mašući zastavicama i dimom? Da je jutro vedro i prohladno, to su već i sami primijetili. I da je rijeka na dnu ponora unatoč svemu plavo zelena.

Hladnoća me tjera s balkona. Zatvaram vrata i sjedam za stol. Šalica čaja od brusnice kao skica za ritual koji bi me trebao odvesti odavde. Onamo gdje je žarko ljeto i otok na kojemu razni ljudi koješta pokušavaju. Ponekad mi uspije, ponekad ne. Ponekad je ponor sa svojim pticama i bojama glasniji pa ponovno otvaram vrata i duboko udišem svjetlost. Ponekad se za jednu rečenicu uhvati druga pa more u mojoj knjizi počne svjetlucati.

Bila sam nad ponorom i pisala knjigu o moru.

Bila je večer i došli su ljudi kojima sam smjela pripovijedati o svojim pričama.

Došla je Tanja pa smo malo stajale na terasi ispod mog balkona, prije nego što smo krenule brati koprive.

Došla su djeca iz gradske škole pa sam malo bila pripovjedačica starog kova, ona koja prenosi, dodaje, pleše na žici.

Dobila sam škare i prerezala crvenu vrpcu pa je time započeo Istrakon.

Onda je napokon došao trenutak da se spustim u taj ponor, no zemlja je bila još previše meka od bujice koja se povukla tek koji dan prije mog dolaska. I tako nisam vidjela ni bujicu ni dno jame.

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